1. Make sure your fridge is full of stuff he likes to drink, because it may be your apartment, but he lives there rent-free now. Bonus: take him back to his frat days and chuck him a brewski when he steps out of the shower. Then, later, when he’s really drunk, let him clumsily masturbate your phantom penis. He won’t talk about it ever again!
2. Make him a snack after sex. Men love sex and men love snacks! That’s right, immediately after sex, dash to the kitchen. You read that right, goddess! Once he’s pulled out, combat roll out of bed and haul ass to snackburg. It has to be a gourmet snack — bacon wrapped scallops with cream sauce and roasted Brussels sprouts with a side of chicken fingers will do in a pinch.
3. It gets pretty boring when someone is constantly giving you their heart and soul. So make sure you’re always trying to surprise him. Try pulling a quarter out of his ear. Was he surprised? Try the other ear. Here’s an extra tip: men like to be treated like they’re in the third grade, only with fully-developed genitalia. Does he like hot dogs? Duh! Slice up hot dogs, and lightly chew them into small little bites. Ask him to lay his head on your lap, and then slowly spit those tiny morsels from your mouth into his mouth. This will make the little birdie feel special.
4. Treat his friends the way you treat your friends: smile politely, laugh at their jokes, and let your hatred for them slowly consume you from the inside out, like cancer. If you win over his former fraternity brothers, you’ll win his heart. And once you have his heart, you can keep it locked in the trunk of your car. So make plenty of snacks and, when in doubt, just pretend you’re a lamp.
5. Sit next to him quietly while he zones out in front of the TV. Sit next to him quietly while he plays Xbox. Sit next to him quietly, like a sphinx.
6. Light a candle and give him a foot rub. Name his bunions after his favorite stars of sports. Next, give him a sensual back massage. Make sure you end the back massage with a “happy ending” or, as his former fraternity brothers call it, a “secret handshake.” Blow out the candle. Listen to him cry in the dark.
7. Instantly transport him to awesome, awesome third grade by teasing him about his favorite goofy shirt, or how his sports team lost or that he’s fat and will never be loved. Tease him about his emotionally distant father, who is largely responsible for his inability to be intimate with women. Tease him about getting laid off, his growing drinking problem, and his complicated yearnings. Tease him about how you’re the only woman who will put in the effort to do the small things that can make a man love her forever and ever. Hold him.
8. Brag about him to your friends, your family, coworkers, and everyone at your weekly Al-Anon meetings. Tell the world that he’s a doctor prince who writes spoken word poetry. Remember that a lie is the truth with a positive life attitude. Grab strangers by their shirts and yell “I’m dating a successful man with a calm temperament who satisfies me sexually!” This will make his ego swell like an infected wound.